I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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