if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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