found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
