I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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