You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
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