tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
