Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
