Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
