goodnight i made you a song goodbye
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
