he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Houston, we have a squirter
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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