Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Are we still banned from the library?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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