Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
