So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
