another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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