can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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