Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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