im about as happy as oj after his trial
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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