I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
