You're so nebulous sometimes
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
