there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
