theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize