I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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