Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
