This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
