The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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