Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Randomize
