John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
