I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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