I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
