I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
well you can't waste a boner
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
