I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
