Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
