Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
