Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
