WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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