I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize