who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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