Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
