Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
