saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
