I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
