so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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