The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
