Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
