I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
