I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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