Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
