Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
