The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
