I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
