I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I love having hate sex.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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