Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
