I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
This is the high leading the old right now
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
