I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
