Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
