I think my fart just growled at me.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
