Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
